Walking through the gates of Disneyland was a struggle after what we’d done, but I kept the part of my mind that was angry at myself for letting my wants get the better of me tamped down, at least for today.
I’d warned Damien that despite the looks, a leash for Noah might have been a good idea to keep him from running off every two seconds when he saw something that interested him, but Damien didn’t want to do that. I couldn’t blame him — leash kids were… well, leash kids. But that meant one of us had to hold his hand at all times, which wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but meant I couldn’t get a moment to speak to Damien out of earshot of Noah.
“This is AMAZING,” Noah shrieked, his eyes locked solely on Sleeping Beauty’s Castle at the other end of Main Street. Ahead of us, a man in a mouse costume spun in a circle with a balloon, and further back, his girlfriend signed autographs.
I’d gone to Disney World a handful of times growing up, but never Disneyland — for all of us, this was something new. I could say with certainty that I’d never been to an amusement park while the space between my legs ached in the best possible way.
Damien scooped Noah up the moment he tried to bolt and plopped him up on his shoulders. “This is amazing,” he said, craning his neck to look up at Noah, “but it would be even better if you stopped trying to get kidnapped.”
“Sorry, Dad.”
Despite his apology, Noah gripped his father’s hair with both hands as if he could pilot Damien by tugging in a certain direction. To my utter surprise, Damien didn’t feel the slightest bit ashamed of the crowd of people around us and humored him, dipping in random directions and practically running into people with each tug on his head. Noah shrieked with laughter, and I couldn’t help but chuckle along at the absurdity of it.
“Are you laughing at me?” Damien challenged, one brow raised as Noah piloted him back to me. He stopped directly in front of me, towering over me in the middle of Main Street, his lips tugging back into a smile.
Fuck, he looked so… normal. In such a good way. “Yes,” I grinned. “Is that a problem?”
Noah pulled back and Damien followed suit, slowly walking backward toward the castle. “I guess we’ll find out later, princess.”
————
Twenty rides down, and I was exhausted. I had no idea how Noah found the energy to keep running from spot to spot.
There had only been about five so far that Noah couldn’t ride, and although he was disappointed about those in particular, he’d gotten that energy right back to head on to the next one within seconds. It was go, go, go with him, and even though I could tell Damien was exhausted as the morning turned into late afternoon, he didn’t show it one bit when Noah was watching him.
I could see it, though. I could see it in the little things, like the way he didn’t smile quite as large when Noah lost his mind about meeting Captain Hook, like when he looked to the sky for a second of peace when Noah asked for his fifth churro, like when he squeezed my hand in the small amount of privacy that the Haunted Mansion granted us, his eyes locking with mine for just a second, the tightest grin on his face. He was tired, but he wouldn’t ever let Noah know.
“Jungle Cruise next!” Noah said, pointing in a direction that definitely wasn’t Adventureland.
Damien plucked the map out of the back pocket of his black jeans and put one hand on the top of his son’s head, turning him to point in the correct direction.
“And then we go meet Peter Pan,” he added, skipping off in that direction.
Damien and I followed behind him, keeping him in our sights and within reaching distance as we desperately tried to keep up with the never-ending energy of Noah. For a second, Damien’s attention caught on something else, his hand dipping into his pocket and pulling out his phone before grumbling something too quiet for me to hear and putting it away.
“You okay?” I asked. I wrapped my fingers around his bicep, just a small touch in a sea of people without Noah paying attention.
“I’m fine. Ethan keeps calling,” he said, his eyes flicking between me and Noah. “It’s probably nothing.”
“That doesn’t sound like nothing.” I gave him a little squeeze as we dipped into the line for Jungle Cruise beneath a sign that read out 35 Minute Wait. “I can watch Noah if you need to call him back.”
Quickly and discreetly, he pressed his lips against the side of my head, cupping my cheek to hold me in place before letting me go. “I appreciate that, but honestly, it’s probably—”
The sound of an incoming text cut him off as he fished in his pocket again.
Damien stopped in his tracks halfway down the empty line, his eyes going wide, the ropes on either side of us keeping us in. I reached out and grabbed Noah by the wrist, pulling him back to us. “Watch him,” he said quietly, taking a step back. “Please. I’ll be right back.”
I nodded once, and he slipped under the rope that divided the exit line from the entry line, heading back toward where we’d come in. Of course I’d watch Noah no matter the circumstance, but I couldn’t help but wonder what had made him change his mind that quickly as I pulled Noah to the side of the line where they kept the little drinking fountains.
“Where’s Dad going?” he asked as I sat down on the edge of the curb.
“I think he has to make a phone call. Don’t worry about it, squirt,” I said, faking a wide grin as I pulled him into my lap.
“But the Jungle Cruise,” he pouted.
“I know. He’ll be right back. I promise.” I ruffled the top of his head as I gave him a little squeeze. He was sticky and smelled of sugar and cinnamon, but I’d grown used to his stickiness now. I pulled out my map that I’d stuffed into my bag hours ago and unfurled it for him. “What do you want to do after the Jungle Cruise?”
He studied it extensively, going quiet for what felt like minutes and leaving us with the soundtrack of the ride playing and the birds chirping in the trees. It was the first chance I’d had to actually calm down all day, and having him here and focused only seemed to make it easier, somehow.
But then he excitedly pointed to a random ride in Tomorrowland. “This one! And then we can go here, and then here, and then—”
Damien reappeared in the line, wild blue eyes looking frantically in front of him, not quite clocking us on the ground. From the way he walked to the way his mouth parted, I could tell something wasn’t quite right.
I pulled myself and Noah to our feet immediately, and Damien’s eyes found me, and oh, God, he looked like he was either going to throw himself off a bridge or vomit across the cement.
Before I could even ask what was wrong, he was squatting down in front of Noah and taking his son’s face in his slightly trembling hands, his gaze flicking up to meet mine only briefly before going all in on him.
“Noah,” he said, taking a deep breath and rolling his lips between his teeth. “I’m so sor—”
“Olivia said we can go to Tomorrowland next!” Noah beamed, fully not understanding whatever was happening here. I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to handle whatever was going on, so I took a step back instead and let Damien lead it.
Damien shook his head and grasped Noah by his little shoulders, something glistening in his eyes. “Listen to me, bud. I’m so sorry, but we need to go now.”
Noah went far too quiet.
“We can come back,” Damien offered. “I promise, as soon as I can swing it, we will come right back here and we will do the Jungle Cruise and we will go to Tomorrowland and ride every ride you want. We can meet every character you want. We can stay for a whole fucking week.”
“You said a bad word,” Noah said, his voice so small, so Goddamn sad.
But it was Damien’s cracking one that made me panic. “I know. I-I’m sorry, buddy. I promise, I will make this up to you. Both of you.” His eyes flicked to mine briefly as he wiped at his nose. What the fuck is going on? “But we have to go now.”
Silence fell over both of them, just the crickets and the birds and the music of the Jungle Cruise while a handful of people passed us in the line. But then Noah nodded, and Damien was back on his feet, ushering Noah under the rope that he’d gone under before, and we were heading out of the line for the Jungle Cruise.
————
Damien made one negotiation with the five-year-old — he could hit the souvenir shop at the top of Main Street for ten minutes and buy whatever he wanted.
We stood off to the side in silence, watching as the kid ran frantically around the shop picking up stuffed animals and costumes and anything he could get his hands on. He wasn’t even picking things he liked, just whatever he could find, whatever would keep the memory of today alive for him.
Damien checked his watch over and over, flicking between that and his phone.
“How long does he have?” I asked.
“Five minutes.”
I squeezed his arm. “Is that long enough for you to tell me what’s going on?”
He took another deep breath in, in through his nose and out through his mouth, before turning to look at me. “Grace has filed for custody officially,” he said quietly, trying to disguise his shaking lower lip by hiding it between his teeth briefly. “She has an exceptionally strong case.”
Oh, fuck.
Noah rushed over, his arms completely full, and Damien handed his card to the small child and sent him off to the register.
“How can she—”
“I don’t know,” he said, cutting me off, that same warble back in his voice. “But she wants sole custody, no visitation. After dropping him in my life and not visiting him for weeks despite having every opportunity and nothing stopping her, she wants to take all of that away from me. She wants to take him away from me. I… I can’t just do that. I can’t just give him up. I won’t.”
He let out a shaky breath as I pulled him toward me, my arms wrapping around his neck as I forced him down to my level. For the second time that day, I found myself unhelpful, unknowing of the right thing to do or say to calm him down. And even if it made Noah question things, even if it garnered any sort of attention from the strangers who didn’t give a shit about us, I hugged him. I wrapped myself around him.
Damien buried his face in my neck, his hands gripping into my back so differently from how they did last night, and all he could do was breathe. Over and over, just breathed.
I wished I knew what I could say that would make it better, but I just… didn’t.
“There’s a plane waiting for us at the airport,” he said quietly, the sound muffled from where he held himself. “But I’ve already booked a hotel room for all of us, if you want to stay.”
“Not a chance in fucking hell,” I breathed.
He held me tighter.
