Friday
The ‘will he, won’t he’ was starting to get on my damn nerves.
I picked at my food as Hudson sat across the table from me. Takeout, again. I made a mental note to teach him some easy recipes if he was at all interested in cooking. I knew damn well he could afford takeout every night, could afford private chefs and charter jets and whatever the hell else he wanted. A private chef could be a great idea.
He’d rewarded Jamey’s good behavior at his grandparent’s with pizza. The food itself was great, so good that I could understand Jamey’s intense excitement over it every time it was so much as mentioned, but it was so hard to concentrate when all I could think of was Sunday night and our phone call. He had to have feelings for me. Somewhere down inside that ice-cold exterior of his there had to be some warmth. I just didn’t know when, or if, he would tell me.
Hudson met my gaze, a smile on his face from something Jamey had said that I hadn’t heard in my daydreaming. “You alright with that, Sophie?”
I blinked at him, wondering what the hell the correct answer could be, noting Jamey’s slack-jawed mouth. “Please, Sophie?”
“I’m sorry, I missed that. What?”
“Ice cream,” Hudson chuckled, plucking another slice of pizza from the open box on the table. “I was thinking we could take Jamey down to Debbie’s after we finish up dinner and do the thing.”
Debbie’s. He’d mentioned it so absurdly casually. Debbie’s was a little ice cream shop down by the harbor, a mom-and-pop kind of place that had been running since well before either of us had been born. My parents used to take me and Aaron when we were kids whenever we had stellar report cards or even when we’d simply lost a tooth.
“Yeah, I’m definitely up for that.”
Hudson grinned softly at me, his eyes fixed on mine. Jamey shouted something in excitement but I didn’t hear it, and judging by the way Hudson watched me, he didn’t either. It made those mindless butterflies take off again. Did he want to tell me something there, too?
“Perfect.”
We fell back into silence minus Jamey’s hasty chewing and brief outbursts about what kind of ice cream he wanted to get from Debbie’s. Apparently, mint-chocolate chip wasn’t good enough if we were going there. He wanted something even better.
“You okay, Soph?” Hudson asked, his grin sliding as his brows furrowed. His hand twitched where he’d left it on the table, almost as if he wanted to reach for mine. “You seem a bit distracted.”
“I’m okay.” Lie. You’re panicking. You’re thinking of all the ways this can go wrong and wondering if you should just tell him how you feel, you idiot. “Work’s been a lot this week, so I’m just a little tired.”
“Did you get everything you needed to do?”
I almost snorted. “No.”
————
By the time Hudson parked the Range Rover at the harbor, the sun was hanging low in the sky, painting everything in deep oranges and pinks. I wished we were on the west coast so we could watch it set over the water, but I’d take a sunrise over a sunset any day.
Hudson picked up Jamey despite his protests of wanting me to lift him instead. He held him against his hip, high enough that he could see the menu as we stepped up to the little window to order. I watched as Hudson pointed out each option on the board, helping Jamey sound out each word, and the ache in my chest seemed to spread to my bones. He was such a good father, such a caring person and I loved to catch him off his guard. I wanted this side of Hudson, the side that I thought might want me in return.
But I also knew how much of an idiot I might be for wanting that.
“Which one are you having, Jamey?” I asked, coming up beside them. Jamey sat at my height on his dad’s hip, and he giggled as he reached out and poked my nose.
“I think… maybe… uh…”
“You’ve gotta pick one, bud.” Hudson chuckled as he shifted Jamey’s weight on his hip.
“It’s just so hard!”
“Well, I’m going to get rum-raisin. Why don’t you just get your favorite?” Hudson asked, pointing to the mint chocolate chip on the board in big letters.
Jamey gasped as he looked at it, his eyes tracking further up than Hudson’s hand. “Peanut butter! I want the peanut butter one. But I want chocolate on top.”
Hudson laughed as he put him down, ruffling his hair. “Always full of surprises, aren’t you, squirt?” His sights turned to me, that comfortableness settling between us, and he cracked a grin. “What do you want?”
I knew what I wanted. It was the exact same thing I had every single time I came to Debbie’s, the exact same thing I’d gotten since I was a kid. “Orange and vanilla swirl.”
“On it. There’s a blanket in the back of the car,” he said, nodding toward the Range Rover. “Why don’t you and Jamey go lay it out on the beach and I’ll meet you guys down there?”
————
I didn’t notice Hudson joining us until his bare, sand-covered feet hit the blanket. He held three cones of ice cream in one hand as if he’d been doing it his whole life, effortlessly, as he sat down next to me. Jamey had already started working on building a sand mound, but the moment his dad arrived, he abandoned it for the treat.
I took my cone from Hudson, watching him carefully as he looked between me and Jamey. I wasn’t sure what his plan was exactly—we hadn’t discussed the finer details, just that we would tell him. The anxiety of it was eating me alive, and combined with Hudson’s mixed signals, I felt like I was starting to panic a little.
“Can you tell him?” I whispered, leaning in just a hair closer to him. My shoulder brushed against his, and as he looked down at me, I swear I saw too much behind his eyes. Too much of what I wanted, not necessarily what he would give me.
“Of course.” He closed the distance just for a millisecond, placing the softest kiss against my forehead, before turning back to Jamey. “Hey, bud. Sophie and I have something we need to tell you about but you’ve got to pay attention. Can you handle that?”
Jamey turned from the sand he’d been kicking, suddenly far more interested in what his dad had to say. “Okay. What is it?”
“So, you know how there’s this one thing that you’ve been asking me for ever since you could talk?”
His little eyes grew wide as saucers as he looked up at his dad, peanut-butter ice cream melting over the side of his hand. “We’re going to Disney?”
Hudson blinked, confusion marring his face. “You want to go to Disney?”
“Yeah! I saw a commercial for it at Grandma’s.”
I snorted, leaning more of my weight toward Hudson until my head rested on his shoulder. I was so damn tired and it wasn’t even eight in the evening yet.
“Okay, no, this isn’t about Disney. We can go to Disney if you want but this is something you’ve been asking for, not something you just found out about—”
“Oh my god, we’re going to Disney!”
“Jamey, Jamey, hey.” Hudson laughed, reaching out for his little arm and tugging him toward us. “Pay attention. This isn’t about Disney.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I know, bud. Just listen, okay?”
“Okay.”
“You remember all those times you asked me for a little sister or a little brother?” Hudson said softly, pulling Jamey a little bit closer until he was practically dripping ice cream into his lap. “You remember how much you begged me for a sibling?”
Nausea churned in my gut as Jamey’s eyes grew wide again, understanding slowly settling in. I wanted him to be happy more than I could even imagine; if he wasn’t, if he was upset or angry, it would fucking shatter me.
“I’m going to be a big brother?” Jamey whispered.
Hudson nodded, plucking the cone from his hand before disaster inevitably struck. “Sophie’s pregnant, bud. You’re gonna have a sibling.”
He looked between us, his little mouth open wordlessly. Please say something. Please. Anything, Jamey.
“Jamey?” Hudson chuckled.
“Oh. My. God!” Jamey shrieked, his little body finally moving. He threw his arms around mine and Hudson’s necks, burying his ice cream-covered face between us. “Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
The relief that flooded me was intense, washing me into shore like the waves before us. I’d felt like I was drowning, like I’d been swimming in a riptide that I couldn’t get free of, but then that… that was enough to bring me to the surface. The backs of my eyes burned heavily, the tears building in the corners. “You’re happy?”
“Yes!” He let go of us, backing up into the sand, raising his little arms above his head. “Did you hear that, world? I’m going to be a big brother! I’m gonna be the best big brother ever!”
Hudson laughed as he watched him, the smile on his face far too genuine for me to ever think it was fake. He wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me in closer to him. “I told you he’d be excited,” he whispered, placing a kiss on the top of my head. “There was nothing to worry about.”
“Is it a girl? I hope it’s a girl,” Jamey gushed, collapsing on the blanket in front of us. He kicked his legs in the air, excitement and adrenaline flooding his system.
“We don’t know yet,” I chuckled.
“I hope it’s a girl, too,” Hudson beamed, reaching forward to tickle Jamey under his ribs. “Maybe we’ll get lucky, bud.”
I rolled my eyes at the two of them. “I don’t care what it is. I just hope it’s healthy.” I met Hudson’s gaze as I wiped my eyes, too many emotions rolling through me all at once. His eyes shone in the light of the setting sun, that same intensity behind them, and I laughed as another tear escaped. “Sorry, they’re happy tears.”
“Don’t apologize.” His thumb came up beneath my eyes, wiping the last that escaped away. My breath hitched at his touch, at how easy he found it to do in front of his son. “Don’t ever apologize.”
————
Jamey crashed out on the way home. His little snores were the only sound in the car, filling the silence. Hudson had only glanced at my hand once—I’d worn the ring, and now that I actually thought about it, I wasn’t entirely sure why. We weren’t pretending with Jamey.
“Come in,” Hudson whispered, a sound asleep four-year-old in his arms as we walked up toward the house. The way he said it felt more like a request than a question, and I knew if I agreed, I’d either end up fucking him or falling asleep.
“I don’t know, Hudson, I’m really tired…”
“You can stay the night if you want.” He bit his lip, looking between me and the front door. “Nothing has to happen, Sophie.”
“I know.” Jamey was dead weight in his arms, his limbs flopped everywhere and his hair covering his face. Gently, I pushed the strands away. “I just need to get some sleep.”
“Sophie…” Hudson sighed, taking the smallest step toward me. “Look, I… I know everything that’s happened in the last week has been a lot for you. Hell, everything that’s happened in the last couple of months has been a lot. I know you’re overwhelmed.”
Tears sprung to life in my eyes again and I took a step back.
“Just come inside. I’ll put him in bed, we can just chat. We can talk about everything. All of it.” He rolled his lips between his teeth, the words not there, not just yet. “Please.”
I sniffled, wiping the tears from my face. “I need to go home. Unless there’s something you adamantly need to talk to me about right this moment, I’d rather just go to sleep.”
He sighed, shifting Jamey slightly in his arms so he could hold him with one hand. His other cupped my cheek, wiping away the tears as they escaped. “It can wait if it needs to. I’m sorry if this was too much for you today.”
I turned my face toward his hand, keeping his warmth on me. “It’s all just a lot. All of it. You and me, this child…”
“Then let’s talk about it, angel.”
I shook my head, stepping back from his small act of kindness. The night air hit my face, cooling it far too quickly with the dampness there. “I can’t,” I whispered. “Not tonight, okay?”
Jamey stirred in his hold, a little grunt escaping his lips. “Daddy?”
I nodded at him as I took another step back. “Put him to bed.” I hated the feeling that ripped through with every step I took, from pavement to soft grass. But I couldn’t just stay and watch him pull me in closer, I couldn’t fall harder. I thought, stupidly, that he’d say something to me today. Maybe he’d tell me that he had feelings for me, that he wanted to give it a proper go, that raising this child would be easy as pie because we could do it together.
My condo was too warm, too uninviting. I didn’t want to be there, I wanted to be next door, with him and Jamey, but it was pointless. Thoughts raced through my head; horrible, ugly thoughts that I couldn’t do it anymore, that being fake engaged to him was far too hard when these feelings were building inside of me. I couldn’t just pretend to be in love with him when I actually was. But the hardest part was I couldn’t pretend to be his when I wasn’t.
Fucking pregnancy hormones. That was all this could be. Just hormones. I’d get over it. I had to get over it.
